Han Solo: Return to the Motherland: American or Chinese?

That's the question I keep asking myself. I probably should have figured this all out by the age of 26, but every time I come back to China it's always a struggle for me to figure out who I am. The fact is I am Chinese-American, but to the Chinese, that is not acceptable. When people ask, "你是从那里来的?" (Where are you from?) My response naturally is "美国." (The US). And their response is, "不可能！你看起来不象美国人!" (Impossible! You don't look American!) To the Chinese, American's are still supposed to have big eyes, a prominent nose, dirty blonde/brown hair with beautifully pasty skin. I guess I have the pasty down.

But it's more than just appearances. It's so much more than that. For example, today was my first day in the office. Before I went in today, I decided I was going to go in as an American. Let me explain. If I had walked in today speaking Mandarin then I was going to be treated as if I were Chinese. What's the problem with that you ask. Well let's see, as I mentioned earlier, it's hard for the Chinese to understand that I am not really Chinese Chinese so if I go in speaking Mandarin and then I make some cultural mistake or if I have a little trouble expressing myself in Mandarin at times, they take it rather offensively as if I did it on purpose. Well, as far as not being able to express myself, they might just think I'm a little slow. But if my office starts thinking of me as Chinese then all of a sudden I'm supposed to catch on to all the inter-office drama or know exactly what my role is here. That's very different than say a Caucasian American walking in and speaking Mandarin. No matter what that person does, they will always be a "foreigner". They will be applauded for their Chinese, but it will always be understood that he/she is not native. That can be good and bad. You are allowed more mistakes, but you are probably more likely to get ripped off in the market and people may come up to you in the subways eager to practice their English. When I am on the subway, however, I look like everyone else so until I open my mouth, I've got that enviable thing called "personal space".

Anyway, I guess it's a struggle for me because I know a lot about being Chinese, but I don't know enough to be Chinese. And part of me feels like I'm letting all the cultural understanding I do have to waste if I just go in as an "American". But the truth of the matter is, I am what I am, and that's a little bit of both. *sigh* no easy answer to that one I guess.

On the upside, Leslie, a true blessing, who is Simon's (my Fogarty colleague) friend Mark's roommate has been providing us a roof over our heads this past week in Beijing while Mark was away on business. I applaud her "I don't believe in A/C" efforts, but I don't know how she does it! It gets so incredibly hot in this apt and she is as far as I can tell lacking sweat glands. I ended up telling myself that it's like going to a sauna for free! Mind over matter people! That and wearing non-white shirts that become see-through with sweat stains have been essential thus far.

And just for fun, here are some winners of the 'Really should have hired a native English speaker to translate your menu" category:

Starting off at #7

Bralsed Blood Card with Hot Pepper

#6

Numb and Sore Beef

#5

Pawpaw succulent and lily (Papaya)

#4

Pot-stewed Plump Beef with Pungency

#3

Fried greed and red pepper and Duck gizzard
What if we deep fried greed? Would it make it yummy and delicious?

#2

Fish smells with Horse's hoof fruit (yummm)

drum roll please!

Coming in at #1

Pot-braisod pig fallopian tube
Always wanted to try that! It's really just intestines...although fallopian tubes definitely makes it sound more...forbidden.

Hope you all enjoyed those! I will post soon with pictures of my new apt! Until then, I'm trying to decide on whether or not I should invest in a mask such as this one:

What do you think guys? yay or nay? The smog is pretty bad--I've had to start using my inhaler on bad days, but this of course runs the risk of being pulled over on suspicions that I am some sort of ninja assassin. That's Simon's fear at least. I, however, have been fully reassured by thoughtful advertising that this mask will go with any outfit of my choosing from biking to the business suit. See for yourself!